Were you told as a child not to touch yourself “down there”? I was and as I always tried to do exactly as I was told, I thought that meant not to bathe there either, so I didn’t. One day I was playing hide and seek with other nine year old kids and a really cute boy, that I actually had a crush on, grabbed my hand and said, “Let’s go hide.” I was thrilled. We squatted down behind some cabinets and all of a sudden he said, “What is that smell?” I realized it was me. I was horrified. I have never forgotten that and have taught my girls from a very early age how important it is to maintain good hygiene all over. I also told all my children that there is absolutely nothing wrong or “dirty” about their body.
I personally do not like the implications implicit in the storyline that Napoleon would send a message to Josephine that he would be home in two weeks so “…don’t bathe!” That sounds disgusting to me. There are many solid reasons for scrupulous hygiene by both partners prior to sexual intercourse. Not the least of which are aesthetic considerations. Also important is to help the female prevent urinary tract infections which are covered in more detail in another chapter. Thorough bathing all over, with careful attention to the genital area, is what I am talking about. This should include the male pulling back the foreskin of his penis to bathe there, and the female pulling back the skin on her clitoris to do the same. A couple should try bathing together; this can be fun and healthy.
I have read that a female doesn’t need to douche as the vagina generally cleanses itself. But if the female prefers to do that, there is nothing wrong with it and a mild solution of apple cider vinegar will suffice. One source suggest using one forth cup of apple cider vinegar to three fourths cup of lukewarm distilled water.
For heaven’s sake, all you females out there, get acquainted with your body! Use a mirror for this as well as legitimate literature. While you are at it, look at female anatomy books to locate the cervix and the rest of the uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries. Recently I was discussing this subject and it became obvious to me that my female friend did not seem to know much about where exactly her uterus was located. She has three grown children, so I was frankly surprised by her ignorance. For instance, she was a bit confused between the difference between her uterus and vagina. When discussing this with a close male friend, he said he thought they were the same thing. All this surprised me. Along this line, females especially need to know that they have an open circuit from the outside world into their peritoneal cavity. This is not true for a male. The way this works in a female is through the vagina, through the cervix, and on through the uterus, through the fallopian tubes and then possibly into the peritoneal cavity. This can set up peritonitis which can be fatal. So, females, be careful what goes into your vagina! I’m not trying to be funny here. Bacteria, viruses, fungi, harmful chemicals, or any kind of pathogens can be dangerous. Thankfully, peritonitis from this source is a rare event because the space between the fallopian tubes and the ovaries is so small. Of course, if you have had a hysterectomy where your uterus has been removed, you are exempt from this particular problem. By the way, the peritoneal cavity is the fluid-filled gap between the wall of the abdomen and the organs contained within the abdomen such as the liver, stomach, intestines, and so forth.
Females and males tend to look at sex/intimacy totally differently. Females especially need to understand this. For instance, let’s just take one example. A guy meets a female at a party or bar or wherever and says he is very attracted to her. Just say that they end up in bed and have this wonderful sexual experience. Unfortunately, afterwards, this guy is thinking about who his favorite team is playing next, or something along those lines and she is thinking wedding bells. He leaves saying, “I’ll call you,” and she believes him. Now I know you are saying that I am not being fair to males or maybe even females here, but I’m just telling you that females tend to take a sexual encounter much more seriously than a male does. This is why I strongly advise females to wait to have sex until at least 18 years old and only then when in a committed relationship where partners are friends first and genuinely know and trust and care about each other. This would save a lot of heart break for a lot of females. By the way, all males are not just jerks wanting to have sex with whomever might be available. They are just hard wired differently than females. It’s in their DNA. But this does not excuse infidelity.
There is another problem here that I want to address. That is that males generally prefer sex in the morning (their testosterone levels are highest then) and females generally prefer sex at night. This can be a real problem solved by better communication and understanding and perhaps compromise.
An older female told me she had never had an orgasm. Since she had four children, I was shocked. I asked her if she had talked to her husband about this and she said, “Heavens no, I would be too embarrassed.” So, I talked to her at length about how to communicate with him in a relaxing, non-confrontational way. I also told her to buy a vibrator and work with him in a playful way to use it. She was horrified at that suggestion and stated she would never go into a “sex store.” I told her she could buy one in any drug store, or Walmart, or order one from a catalogue, or on line. Another older friend told me her husband had had a stroke, couldn’t have sex, and that she missed it. I gave her the same advice about the vibrator. I also told her that masturbation and self-gratification is perfectly acceptable and healthy. Hopefully, she took me up on that advice.
Play-acting is perfectly acceptable as are “toys,” pornographic movies, etc., as long as both parties are agreeable and happy to participate. Along this line one of my friends told me that she had trouble reaching a climax until she learned to “fantasize.” She felt ashamed to do that until she read how perfectly acceptable and healthy that was. She solved her problem. Another friend told me her husband was a “slam, bam, thank you ma’am” type lover which did nothing for her. I counseled them and got him to realize how important foreplay is to a female. Romance novels tend to highlight how couples reach earth shattering climaxes simultaneously. This sounds great on paper, but believe you me, generally speaking, this is unrealistic. Also, “69” generally doesn’t work that well either, “60” works better. So my advice here is for a male partner to help his female partner reach a climax first with clitoral stimulation using whatever method a couple agrees on whether it is digital, oral, or vibrator. (Note to males: You need to know what and where etc. a females clitoris is and how extremely important it is to a female’s orgasm.) Nipple stimulation is also generally helpful here. There may be other erogenous zones, so explore this also. Don’t forget lubricants. This is especially helpful for older females. Then, have the female help her mate reach his climax through whatever stimulation works best for him. All this takes good communication and good “show and tell” sessions. Most males prefer stimulation of the “frenulum,” which is the underside of the head of the penis. But, both partners need to get over any embarrassment here. Hopefully both are good friends with good communication and a lot of trust and love (oh, and a good sense of humor!). You need to tell each other what feels good and what doesn’t. We are not mind readers. Employ “show and tell” sessions. And females, remember that males are visually-oriented. They like to see you in sexy lingerie. And, they are not nearly as critical of your body as you are. A urologist friend of mine said that he insist that his wife get up after intercourse and urinate as this helps wash out bacteria, helping prevent urinary tract infections. It seems a bit unfair but females have such a short urethra compared to a male and that is why females have such a problem with getting urinary tract infections.
Females, you also need to know that males prefer sex in the morning (their testosterone levels are highest then) and females generally prefer sex at night. This can be a real problem solved by better communication and understanding and perhaps compromise.
The bottom line here for how to have a better sex life is: Caring, communication, commitment, and cleanliness.
