Anger Management:
A patient of mine related the following story to me.
“One of my three daughters was with a man for about 20 years without benefit of marriage. He was from a very wealthy, famous, family and he was a “trust” kid. He skied all winter and surfed all summer. She kept house, cooked, cared for all his many pets, and was a willing sex partner to whatever his wishes were. He had a violent temper and alienated many people because of it. He was selfish and controlling beyond words. He was physically and physiologically abusive to her. She hid most of it from me but I heard about it from her friends and saw some of the mental stuff myself. I especially saw the way he disrespected her. I absolutely couldn’t stand him. On many an occasion her father and I told her we would go there and get her in her father’s truck. She would be ready to leave him and then he would beg her forgiveness and beg her not to leave him. He, of course, blamed all his angry episodes on her. She would believe him and stay with him. She also was sympathetic to him because she knew he had had about ten episodes of concussions over the years. She felt like his traumatic brain injuries were the reason he was getting worse and worse with temper tantrums. I didn’t doubt that but I was afraid he would kill her. But she loved him with all her being. I felt helpless. They lived many miles away from me in an old farmhouse that belonged to his parents. It was built by his great, great, grand parents. His parents paid for everything. They also supported his expensive hobbies including growing marijuana and selling it. He was caught and spent about three months in some kind of minimum security facility. My daughter spent one hellacious night in jail. His parents, evidently, bought his freedom. I do not know all the details but was horrified that my daughter was put in jail even for one night. He should have been put away for years.
Then there was an episode where he shook her so hard that she fell and hit her face on something that cut her face. She was not sure if she lost consciousness but thinks she might have. That was the “straw.” She left him. Thank goodness. The breakup was extremely difficult and my husband and I took her in with us. During that time, we really got to see the nasty side of him. At one point, he threatened to come to our home and kidnap her. We had to call the police on that one. It was really bad for months and months. His “famous” mother even called me to try to elicit help from me to get them back together. I didn’t tell her how much I absolutely despised him. I blamed her and her husband for never getting help for him. They were so busy with their careers they just didn’t have time to get him help. She even told me that he had inherited his temper from his father. As if that excused it!
My daughter is doing well now. She says she still loves him but would never, ever consider going back to him. Thank goodness for that.”
Bottom line here is to get help for anyone in your family that has anger management issues. Especially if it is your significant other or your child.
Anger Management:
Here is a story from a close friend. I have known her for years and saw a lot of this with my own eyes so I certainly know it all to be true.
From my friend “Alice” and I quote:
“I have had personal experience with a husband who had anger management issues and a daughter who spent many years with an abusive partner.
As to my husband, I was pushed into marrying a man I did not love because his parents told my parents they would pay all my college expenses going forward if I married him. My mother was the ultimate “tight wad” and that was all it took. She had me down the isle before I knew it. I was a wimp when it came to trying to please my mother. She was such a Big “M.A.C.” (manipulative and controlling) person. I never felt love from her and I actually overheard her tell someone that she did not want any more children after she had two. I was always searching for love from her but no matter what I did it was never enough. Looking back, it is easy for me to see why she forced me into that marriage and why I let her.
I had already seen signs of temper tantrums from “Charles.” He got mad at a drive in theater because a storm came up and disrupted the movie. His response was to screech off pulling the speaker right off it’s housing and tearing up his car window. Another time he got mad at a friend and slammed his fist through a wall. These were big red flags for me as I had never seen this kind of behavior. He was diagnosed with Infectious Mononucleosis and was sent home from college. When I look back at it, I realize I had not spent much time with him before he asked me to marry him. I started hedging and trying to put off the wedding but my mother wouldn’t hear of it. At that time, I did not realize that his parents had offered to pay for all my college and living expenses. I didn’t stand a chance. Looking back, as far as I’m concerned, she sold me off the auction block. The marriage was a disaster from the get go. He and I were both virgins which turned out to be more awkward than I want to discuss here. His ignorance was even more appalling than mine. I had read up on as much clinical stuff as I could and talked to a married girlfriend. To make matters worse, I started my period the day of my wedding and was sick as a dog and was, as usual, flooding profusely. After our wedding, he was furious about that. He stormed around, shouting at me and cursing. I was mortified, and shocked. I ran away from the motel where we were to spend our first night but had no money and had no where to go. What a way to start a honeymoon. He was so ignorant that when we finally did have sex, he accused me of being built “funny.” He said he was supposed to enter me “straight down.”
His temper tantrums just got worse and worse and I grew to hate him more each day. We were both in college, far away from home for either of us. We were blessedly busy with school work and I felt that my wedding vows meant that this was it. I honestly tried to make it work. He refused to take any precautions and I just used douching as a contraceptive which of course didn’t work. I got pregnant almost immediately. He was furious over that as he said he wasn’t ready to “share” me and would never allow me to nurse a baby. Those last words were not his words since his were much more graphic and appalling. I was sick as a dog and throwing up constantly. This also made him furious. One night, for no apparent reason that I can remember, he started beating me in the stomach. I honestly think he was trying to make me abort. I spent five days in the hospital as I fought desperately to save my baby. That was the end of our marriage. My precious daughter is all grown up and such a delight for me. I have no idea what ever happened to “Charles.” He did beg me over and over to get back with him. My parents even had to intervene to stop him calling, writing etc. constantly. There was no way I was ever going to have anything else to do with him. I suspect he has had a miserable life. I sincerely hope he got help for his anger management issues but I sincerely doubt it.”
