Red flags.

How to tell if your “mate” is for you: A friend of mine was in a serious, committed , relationship years ago with a man she honestly wanted to marry. There were multiple red flags, though, and in hind sight she is now shocked that she fell for this guy. So, now, she would like to offer some “red flags” that she feels any one should look for when trying to decide if a relationship is worth pursuing:

1. Does he have any kind of addiction problem(s)? (As time went by, she began to realize he was a “working” alcoholic. He seldom missed work but at about five o’clock each day, he started getting very nervous and shaky and had to have some wine. He didn’t appear drunk, even after many glasses of wine so she didn’t really catch on to the fact that he absolutely had to have a drink each day starting at about five. So, yes he had an addiction problem.)
2. Does he lie to you? ( She had to admit that this man would lie when the truth would suffice. It was a joke among his friends. And by the way, he had very few friends and except for one couple those that he did were guys that worked under him. And they mainly supported him because they were afraid of him. He was very vindictive. So yes, she said he did lie to her and to every one else. The one other couple that he was friends with were friends from high school. It took her a while to figure it out but she said she finally had enough proof that in her mind at least, she felt sure he had had an affair with the wife of his “best friend” while they were married. On one occasion, the husband told her that she was a fool to stay with this guy as he was a true Son of a Bitch. He was not the only “friend” of the guy she was dating that made it clear to her they did not really like him. On top of that, her friends and family members couldn’t stand him either. So another big red flag! )
3. Does he put you down in public? (Oh, dear. She said that yes, he did. How in this world she let him get away with that she doesn’t know.)
4. Does he flirt with other woman when he is with you? (She told me that after they had been together for many months, she began to notice that he would flirt with other women, even women across the room that were total strangers. She said that this at times was very inappropriate and embarrassing.)
5. Does he play “head games” with you? (She said that she surely does not need to explain “head games” with anyone. It took her awhile to realize it but her significant other was a master at this. Unfortunately, her response was, “Oh, so you want to play games, well two can do this.” Big mistake on her part but it did help her realize that she had a passive-aggressive streak in her, too. For instance, if one of you gets ticked off about something, you refuse to talk to the other. A friend of hers would tell her that if her husband got mad at her about something, he would not talk to her for weeks at the time and would not let her touch him in bed even if she moved her foot over to touch his foot or leg. Well, folks, this is typical “passive-aggressive” behavior. Getting mad and walking out and slamming a door is another typical example. So, yes, she said he played “head games” with her. Unfortunately she tried to one up him at times which was a complete mistake.)
6. Does he treat you with respect? (Well, some of this would fall under the categories listed above. So, no, as time went by, she began to realize he did not treat her with respect.)
7. Does he hide things from you? (He seemed to have some really dark secrets which he would not discuss with her. As a matter of fact, after many months, she began to suspect that he had another child from a previous relationship with a married woman. She said she did not ever confirm this as they broke up but, yes, he definitely hid things from her.)
8. Is he physically or verbally abusive? (She said she was told that he had been very abusive to his ex-wife and on one occasion she had the distinct impression that he came very close to striking her. This happened at the very end of their relationship but was scary. He could also be very verbally abusive, especially after drinking a lot of alcohol.) She told me that she had known so many instances where the male was physically abusive. One close friend’s daughter was in such a relationship and he told her if she ever left him he would kill her. She did and he did. It was horrible.
9. Has he ever been unfaithful to you? ( She said that after they broke up, she found out he had definitely been unfaithful to her. She went on to say that on one occasion, they were having breakfast on a Sunday morning when the land line phone rang (this was before cell phones) and he answered it and walked away as far as he could and was whispering into the phone. He refused to tell her who had called. How blatant was that?)
10. Does he have a checkered past? Or, heaven forbid, has he ever been in prison? (I believe he had a checkered past but as far as she knew he had never been in prison.)
11. Does your relationship flow smoothly or are there many ups and downs? (Lordy mercy, she said that their relationship was like being on a roller coaster. The highs were wonderful but the lows were devastating. She had just come out of a long term marriage and was very vulnerable. She said she was later told that that was his favorite type of female to hit on. Mostly the sex was great so she said she thinks she was in lust more than in love, and he just enjoyed all the perks.)
12. Is your relationship give and take or is it one sided? (She said that their relationship was very one sided. He was a taker. And because she made a lot more money than he did, he used her dreadfully. But, let’s be honest here, she said, I allowed it.)
13. Is he needlessly rude to waitresses/waiters or housekeepers? (She said she had dated men (once) who were but that this particular “red-flag” did not apply to him.)
14. Are the two of you fairly compatible in your religious, political, cultural, sexual, views? (She said that this red-flag also did not really affect their relationship but she and I have seen couples where some of these problems eventually broke them up.)
15. Do you have issues with how many children, if any, you wish to have? Also, how you wish to raise them. (This, also, was not a problem with that particular relationship but could be major. She said to be sure you discuss it.)
16. Do you seem to agree on how to handle money? I have read that money issues are a major problem with couples. (She said that if she had been paying attention, she would have seen that this was potentially a major red-flag between them since he was such a “taker.”)

She went on to say to me that she was sure that I was wondering why in this world an intelligent woman like herself would put up with all that crap. As I listened to her story I told her I have a few answers. One is that she was very vulnerable as mentioned earlier. Another is that as time went by, she was feeling rejected. Feeling rejected can be devastating. As a baby, we are very dependent on others as we are helpless and if rejected we can die. So, I wonder if some of this doesn’t carry over to our adult life. Rejection could mean death. So maybe that is one reason she stayed in this horribly dysfunctional relationship for two years. Let’s face it. This man was a complete jerk. But looking back maybe she can say that she learned something about herself.

She and I hope that these “red flags” help someone, anyone out there!