How to tell if you are an enabler and if so how to stop:
Let me give you some examples. I have a friend that I have known for years and have watched her “help” her grown son. I have tried to tell her that he is using her. This fell on deaf ears. I was recently visiting with her and she was frantically trying to sort out her son’s business bookwork and pay his bills. I had seen her struggle with this for years. She basically had no life as she spent all of her free time trying to help him. I asked her where her son was and she seemed embarrassed to say he was playing golf with his buddies. I actually suspected as much as this was always the case. I knew he paid her nothing to keep his books, pay his bills both personal and for his business as well as try to sort out all kinds of other “stuff” related to running a business. This made me furious that he would use her this way as well as that she would allow it. I asked her if she loved her son. She, of course, said yes, and that she would do anything for him. I told her that if she truly loved her son she would quit being an enabler. Frankly, I truly believe that being an enabler is not synonymous with love.
Another example. Another friend has a daughter that is quite brilliant except when it comes to handling money. She has an IQ through the roof but constantly struggles with paying her bills. Through the years she has called her Mother, Father, and other family members crying her eyes out and asking for financial help. These people have helped her many times. Mostly, her Mom. Finally, her Mom said, “No more.” Her Mom realized that in a year or two her daughter would be back in debt and worse than ever. So, she explained to her daughter and other family members that she loved her daughter too much to “hurt” her. She explained that she would no longer be an enabler. That rescuing her daughter was obviously not helping her be a responsible adult. This story actually has a relatively happy ending as her daughter has not asked for financial help in years.
Another example is an acquaintance that has an alcoholic husband. He swears he will get help but never does. He has binges that are very destructive to himself and others. She has threatened to leave him many times if he doesn’t get help only to hear him swear that he will kill himself if she leaves him. She always forgives him and stays with him only to have it all happen again. She is an enabler.
Another example: I had a patient that was in an abusive relationship. There was verbal and physical abuse. She took this for many years explaining that she loved him too much to leave him. I honestly think that he loved her, too, as much as he was capable of loving anyone other than himself. He was incredibly selfish and had an uncontrollable temper. I was very afraid he would eventually kill her. Finally, in a fit of anger, over nothing that she could ever figure out, he knocked her unconscious. This time she left him for good. This was incredibly hard for her but she has survived. She is still single and doing well now, thank goodness.
She realizes that she was an enabler. He knew he could get away with his disrespect, verbal and physical abuse so it just continued on and on and getting more and more frequent and more and more violent until she finally left him for good. Thank goodness she had somewhere to go. Unfortunately, many women do not.
These are just a few of many examples of how a person can be an enabler. Readers, if you would like to respond to this, I would love to hear from you.
How to tell if you are an enabler and if so how to stop:
Let me give you some examples. I have a friend that I have known for years and have watched her “help” her grown son. I have tried to tell her that he is using her. This fell on deaf ears. I was recently visiting with her and she was frantically trying to sort out her son’s business bookwork and pay his bills. I had seen her struggle with this for years. She basically had no life as she spent all of her free time trying to help him. I asked her where her son was and she seemed embarrassed to say he was playing golf with his buddies. I actually suspected as much as this was always the case. I knew he paid her nothing to keep his books, pay his bills both personal and for his business as well as try to sort out all kinds of other “stuff” related to running a business. This made me furious that he would use her this way as well as that she would allow it. I asked her if she loved her son. She, of course, said yes, and that she would do anything for him. I told her that if she truly loved her son she would quit being an enabler. Frankly, I truly believe that being an enabler is not synonymous with love.
Another example. Another friend has a daughter that is quite brilliant except when it comes to handling money. She has an IQ through the roof but constantly struggles with paying her bills. Through the years she has called her Mother, Father, and other family members crying her eyes out and asking for financial help. These people have helped her many times. Mostly, her Mom. Finally, her Mom said, “No more.” Her Mom realized that in a year or two her daughter would be back in debt and worse than ever. So, she explained to her daughter and other family members that she loved her daughter too much to “hurt” her. She explained that she would no longer be an enabler. That rescuing her daughter was obviously not helping her be a responsible adult. This story actually has a relatively happy ending as her daughter has not asked for financial help in years.
Another example is an acquaintance that has an alcoholic husband. He swears he will get help but never does. He has binges that are very destructive to himself and others. She has threatened to leave him many times if he doesn’t get help only to hear him swear that he will kill himself if she leaves him. She always forgives him and stays with him only to have it all happen again. She is an enabler.
Another example: I had a patient that was in an abusive relationship. There was verbal and physical abuse. She took this for many years explaining that she loved him too much to leave him. I honestly think that he loved her, too, as much as he was capable of loving anyone other than himself. He was incredibly selfish and had an uncontrollable temper. I was very afraid he would eventually kill her. Finally, in a fit of anger, over nothing that she could ever figure out, he knocked her unconscious. This time she left him for good. This was incredibly hard for her but she has survived. She is still single and doing well now, thank goodness.
She realizes that she was an enabler. He knew he could get away with his disrespect, verbal and physical abuse so it just continued on and on and getting more and more frequent and more and more violent until she finally left him for good. Thank goodness she had somewhere to go. Unfortunately, many women do not.
These are just a few of many examples of how a person can be an enabler. Readers, if you would like to respond to this, I would love to hear from you.
How to tell if you are an enabler and if so how to stop:
Let me give you some examples. I have a friend that I have known for years and have watched her “help” her grown son. I have tried to tell her that he is using her. This fell on deaf ears. I was recently visiting with her and she was frantically trying to sort out her son’s business bookwork and pay his bills. I had seen her struggle with this for years. She basically had no life as she spent all of her free time trying to help him. I asked her where her son was and she seemed embarrassed to say he was playing golf with his buddies. I actually suspected as much as this was always the case. I knew he paid her nothing to keep his books, pay his bills both personal and for his business as well as try to sort out all kinds of other “stuff” related to running a business. This made me furious that he would use her this way as well as that she would allow it. I asked her if she loved her son. She, of course, said yes, and that she would do anything for him. I told her that if she truly loved her son she would quit being an enabler. Frankly, I truly believe that being an enabler is not synonymous with love.
Another example. Another friend has a daughter that is quite brilliant except when it comes to handling money. She has an IQ through the roof but constantly struggles with paying her bills. Through the years she has called her Mother, Father, and other family members crying her eyes out and asking for financial help. These people have helped her many times. Mostly, her Mom. Finally, her Mom said, “No more.” Her Mom realized that in a year or two her daughter would be back in debt and worse than ever. So, she explained to her daughter and other family members that she loved her daughter too much to “hurt” her. She explained that she would no longer be an enabler. That rescuing her daughter was obviously not helping her be a responsible adult. This story actually has a relatively happy ending as her daughter has not asked for financial help in years.
Another example is an acquaintance that has an alcoholic husband. He swears he will get help but never does. He has binges that are very destructive to himself and others. She has threatened to leave him many times if he doesn’t get help only to hear him swear that he will kill himself if she leaves him. She always forgives him and stays with him only to have it all happen again. She is an enabler.
Another example: I had a patient that was in an abusive relationship. There was verbal and physical abuse. She took this for many years explaining that she loved him too much to leave him. I honestly think that he loved her, too, as much as he was capable of loving anyone other than himself. He was incredibly selfish and had an uncontrollable temper. I was very afraid he would eventually kill her. Finally, in a fit of anger, over nothing that she could ever figure out, he knocked her unconscious. This time she left him for good. This was incredibly hard for her but she has survived. She is still single and doing well now, thank goodness.
She realizes that she was an enabler. He knew he could get away with his disrespect, verbal and physical abuse so it just continued on and on and getting more and more frequent and more and more violent until she finally left him for good. Thank goodness she had somewhere to go. Unfortunately, many women do not.
These are just a few of many examples of how a person can be an enabler. Readers, if you would like to respond to this, I would love to hear from you.
How to tell if you are an enabler and if so how to stop:
Let me give you some examples. I have a friend that I have known for years and have watched her “help” her grown son. I have tried to tell her that he is using her. This fell on deaf ears. I was recently visiting with her and she was frantically trying to sort out her son’s business bookwork and pay his bills. I had seen her struggle with this for years. She basically had no life as she spent all of her free time trying to help him. I asked her where her son was and she seemed embarrassed to say he was playing golf with his buddies. I actually suspected as much as this was always the case. I knew he paid her nothing to keep his books, pay his bills both personal and for his business as well as try to sort out all kinds of other “stuff” related to running a business. This made me furious that he would use her this way as well as that she would allow it. I asked her if she loved her son. She, of course, said yes, and that she would do anything for him. I told her that if she truly loved her son she would quit being an enabler. Frankly, I truly believe that being an enabler is not synonymous with love.
Another example. Another friend has a daughter that is quite brilliant except when it comes to handling money. She has an IQ through the roof but constantly struggles with paying her bills. Through the years she has called her Mother, Father, and other family members crying her eyes out and asking for financial help. These people have helped her many times. Mostly, her Mom. Finally, her Mom said, “No more.” Her Mom realized that in a year or two her daughter would be back in debt and worse than ever. So, she explained to her daughter and other family members that she loved her daughter too much to “hurt” her. She explained that she would no longer be an enabler. That rescuing her daughter was obviously not helping her be a responsible adult. This story actually has a relatively happy ending as her daughter has not asked for financial help in years.
Another example is an acquaintance that has an alcoholic husband. He swears he will get help but never does. He has binges that are very destructive to himself and others. She has threatened to leave him many times if he doesn’t get help only to hear him swear that he will kill himself if she leaves him. She always forgives him and stays with him only to have it all happen again. She is an enabler.
Another example: I had a patient that was in an abusive relationship. There was verbal and physical abuse. She took this for many years explaining that she loved him too much to leave him. I honestly think that he loved her, too, as much as he was capable of loving anyone other than himself. He was incredibly selfish and had an uncontrollable temper. I was very afraid he would eventually kill her. Finally, in a fit of anger, over nothing that she could ever figure out, he knocked her unconscious. This time she left him for good. This was incredibly hard for her but she has survived. She is still single and doing well now, thank goodness.
She realizes that she was an enabler. He knew he could get away with his disrespect, verbal and physical abuse so it just continued on and on and getting more and more frequent and more and more violent until she finally left him for good. Thank goodness she had somewhere to go. Unfortunately, many women do not.
These are just a few of many examples of how a person can be an enabler. Readers, if you would like to respond to this, I would love to hear from you.
How to tell if you are an enabler and if so how to stop:
Let me give you some examples. I have a friend that I have known for years and have watched her “help” her grown son. I have tried to tell her that he is using her. This fell on deaf ears. I was recently visiting with her and she was frantically trying to sort out her son’s business bookwork and pay his bills. I had seen her struggle with this for years. She basically had no life as she spent all of her free time trying to help him. I asked her where her son was and she seemed embarrassed to say he was playing golf with his buddies. I actually suspected as much as this was always the case. I knew he paid her nothing to keep his books, pay his bills both personal and for his business as well as try to sort out all kinds of other “stuff” related to running a business. This made me furious that he would use her this way as well as that she would allow it. I asked her if she loved her son. She, of course, said yes, and that she would do anything for him. I told her that if she truly loved her son she would quit being an enabler. Frankly, I truly believe that being an enabler is not synonymous with love.
Another example. Another friend has a daughter that is quite brilliant except when it comes to handling money. She has an IQ through the roof but constantly struggles with paying her bills. Through the years she has called her Mother, Father, and other family members crying her eyes out and asking for financial help. These people have helped her many times. Mostly, her Mom. Finally, her Mom said, “No more.” Her Mom realized that in a year or two her daughter would be back in debt and worse than ever. So, she explained to her daughter and other family members that she loved her daughter too much to “hurt” her. She explained that she would no longer be an enabler. That rescuing her daughter was obviously not helping her be a responsible adult. This story actually has a relatively happy ending as her daughter has not asked for financial help in years.
Another example is an acquaintance that has an alcoholic husband. He swears he will get help but never does. He has binges that are very destructive to himself and others. She has threatened to leave him many times if he doesn’t get help only to hear him swear that he will kill himself if she leaves him. She always forgives him and stays with him only to have it all happen again. She is an enabler.
Another example: I had a patient that was in an abusive relationship. There was verbal and physical abuse. She took this for many years explaining that she loved him too much to leave him. I honestly think that he loved her, too, as much as he was capable of loving anyone other than himself. He was incredibly selfish and had an uncontrollable temper. I was very afraid he would eventually kill her. Finally, in a fit of anger, over nothing that she could ever figure out, he knocked her unconscious. This time she left him for good. This was incredibly hard for her but she has survived. She is still single and doing well now, thank goodness.
She realizes that she was an enabler. He knew he could get away with his disrespect, verbal and physical abuse so it just continued on and on and getting more and more frequent and more and more violent until she finally left him for good. Thank goodness she had somewhere to go. Unfortunately, many women do not.
These are just a few of many examples of how a person can be an enabler. Readers, if you would like to respond to this, I would love to hear from you.
